Better

If I kiss you where you're sore,
if I kiss you where you're sore,
will you feel better? better? better?
Will you feel anything at all?

If I believed in those music players on blogs (or knew how to put one on...;-), you'd be hearing Regina Spektor's Better right now (the lyrics written above).

Things are a lot better the last couple of days. Not really sure why. The girls are feeling a bit better, Emiline is sleeping a bit better, I'm hurting a bit more but somehow all that adds up to a lot better. Could it be because I spent 4+ hours painting and crafting for my niece's birthday party this weekend??? Probably. I don't think it's the weather, but that has been really nice. Emiline loves it.


Here's the thing, the thing that I keep forgetting:
If mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
I keep forgetting to "nourish" myself (yes that sounds hokey) in the ways that really matter for me. I've had to make going to the gym a priority for my health and then there is the endless list of house stuff that has to be done. And then the basic basics of caring for my two girls

and on occasion me. It's really easy to let those really key things fall threw the cracks until I'm feeling crazy. And sometimes you have to do something that doesn't make sense-like going to a late movie (with money you borrowed from somewhere else in the budget) with a friend and laughing your head off and then staying up too late. Then Emiline had a bad night so I got like 3 hours of sleep (btw, this was the night of the last post)...and yet, I felt pretty good on Wednesday, even though I had a very noisy MRI (I get the results on Friday). Tired, but good. Sometimes making the "smart" choice isn't so smart, right? It's just so hard to know.

I usually think that if I can just pray, read my scriptures, and be healthy (exercise, eat right, etc) every day that I will be happy and at peace. But I have found that just focusing on doing those things actually makes less happy and more mechanical (because I'm not perfect and don't do them everyday. But IF I did do them everyday, maybe I would be at peace?). In the meantime, I need to do those things that add color and brilliance to my life, for me. Painting is one of those things, apparently. So is laughing and connecting with a good friend every week. Or climbing a tree.


It's so easy to turn to distraction and sugar to ease the pain: i.e. Hulu and dark chocolate covered pretzels. I've decided to try very hard to make my "downtime" more "uptime." Or doing things that bring me up and the word I keep coming back to is brilliant, like when you get the saturation on a photo just right.

Like, when Emiline woke up Tuesday night and coughed every 2 minutes for an hour. If I hadn't gone out with my friend, I would probably have been frustrated and only full of obligation. Instead, I actually relished cuddling her and soothing all her pathetic whimpers so she could sleep. It was a sweet, brilliant moment.

And tonight as I put Jane down I was completely exhausted with various aches and body complaints. She did nothing especially cute or sweet or anything. But I was there, saturated in the moment and I just enjoyed her usual antics and felt so full of quiet joy singing her a lullaby and kissing her good night.

I just need to find what's sore and kiss it better, I guess.
and throw leaves.