Dream Envy

I've been thinking about this for awhile, talked to my sister and Eric about it and that seemed to quench it for a week or two. But some stupid movie brought it back up, that and writing the Christmas Letter (which is another post in and of itself).

dream envy
noun (pl. -vies)
what a dreamer without a dream feels when he/she sees others living their dream


My oldest brother and his wife are living their dream. They went away to grad school, came back not only to Idaho but were able to get the golden job in their hometown and are currently building their dream house.

An amazing friend of mine/old roommate's husband just got a job with the foreign service. They are waiting to hear where they will be posted and will spend their lives living all over the world and serving their God and Country.

Two very different dreams. And I am envious of them both.

All of this and all the questions about job hunting and what our plans are made me ask Eric:
"What are your dreams?" Bless his heart, my husband. He never laughs at me (not out loud anyway, unless I'm already laughing) when I throw out these broad questions in such a simple, matter of fact way in the same way I ask him if he wants water or milk with dinner.

Long answer short, he doesn't really have any. Or not specific ones. And here's the rub of being a peacemaking, passive middle child: I'm too willing to be adaptable, in fact I often prefer it. Since I love everything (music, literature, education, health, art....), I want everything (be a songwriter! write a book! teach! become a yoga instructor/physical therapist/personal trainer! be a painter! or at least have an Etsy shop) . But I want most of it equally as much so I don't make a decision or if I do, it's not backed up by enough love to make me faithful. I stubbornly maintain I'm not fickle. I'm just lacking in fidelity to my own dreams and desires. You could say I dream around.

Is this a bad thing? Could have been really, really, helpful if I'd fallen in love with a man totally driven to run for office or run an orphanage in Romania or be a farmer. Or even a dairyman. But the pair of us are way too "I'll go where you want me to go" kinda people. And here's a lesson I learned way back pre-college, even. Yes, the Lord wants you to submit your will to his. But in order to do that, you gotta have a will in the first place.

So I have dream envy. I really do think I have drive within me. I know how to work hard. I know how to "git 'er dun." I just need to pick a dream.

Shall we take a vote? (that was a joke. kind of.)