Won't Sleep

 I don't want to go to bed. 

If I go to bed, I will wake up. And when I wake up, I will have to go to my dad's funeral. 

I'm not ready to bury my dad. 

I've been up working on his Life Sketch for a few hours now. How do you sum up a person's life in a short few minutes? What are the important parts? What should be left out? What are the most important themes? How do I distill him down to a few stories and an over-arching theme? 

And what would he want me to say? I don't want to let him down. But I don't think he would ever think that. I just want to do right by him. 

But it is also too soon. I don't have the wisdom of distance yet. It's been interesting how things have become sweeter. With his death, weaknesses are transformed into endearments. Things we used to tease him about now seem like the tenderest things. And we all are wondering and grieving that we didn't appreciate him enough. His good qualities have crystalized into a crown of glory. We all see him more clearly now that he is no longer here.

But I don't care so much about how great he was, though he was great. I just want my dad to talk and laugh with me. For us to talk about something interesting, argue a little over politics, or go work on something in the shop. Or make breakfast together and chat. 

Dad would want me to go to bed, not stay up all night in denial. He would want me to Be Wise.