Bring on the Rain, 2014

I say that with hope and fear and a rather large butterfly in my stomach that it might come to pass.

Let me explain.

2013 was a doozy (and 2012. and 2011....). It was a torrent of hard things raining down. It had felt so hard, so dark, that when the end of the year came, and the time for introspection and analysis came, I was scared to look. I was fearful and anxious to write the annual family letter, or even to just begin the process. I mentally put it off. But again, my commitment to introspection carried me through and I signed up for this webinar by Lisa Bryne. It was just the bit of motivation and guidance I needed. One of the things she talks about is changing your focus to see the good things in your life, and that if we don't, then we are leaving those good things behind instead of taking them forward with us.

Early this year I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. I was really lucky in that the meds worked well and fast. And even more that I was able to transition off of them into very specific diet and herbal supplement program recently (thank you Spontaneous Happiness and my cultured food pets). But it was this big dark cloud over my life, over everything else I wanted to do and be. I was "cray-cray," and surely that was controlling so much of my life and choices, right?

Well, depression is a Liar. While you are sucked down into the middle of it and while you are pulling out of it's abyss, it's a big, fat, ridiculous Liar. For me, the surest litmus test of actually being in Depression's Jaws, is that I think I'm not. It's breathing its fat, stinky lies on me and I think I'm sitting on the porch in a refreshing, evening breeze, internalizing all those lies. And it was still telling me lies, telling me that my year was a bust.

I am blogging this today to publicly proclaim that this year is probably the year of my most personal growth to date. A quote from Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog says it best, or at least profoundly to me late last night during our New Year's Eve celebrations:
"everyday of rain brings water flowing to things growing in the ground.
And every drop of rain will keep you growing seeds you're sowing in the ground."

It has rained relentlessly the last few years, a near constant drizzle. But now, I can see that rain for it's function- growth. I am exploding with growth, like one of my beans in the sprouting jar on the counter. And even though I feel ready for spring, to be planted, to grow up strong and bear fruit, I am going to trust in the season instead. Because I've been saying I'm ready for spring for years now, and I'm sooooo grateful for the rain I've had instead. As hard as it has been, as dark and miserable some moments have been, I wouldn't trade it. It was more than worth it. Thank you for your gifts, 2013.

So Bring On the Rain, 2014!

Also, "Keep you're head up, Billy Buddy" ;-)

And if you haven't watched Dr. Horrible, treat yourself today. It's on Netflix, too.

And Happy New Year!