Just Sow

This post is dedicated to one Victoria. You always inspire me to write, to be me, and to be a better wife and mother. Keep it up, please.

Last year, sometime around February, I bought a seed starter kit for an herb garden. I have long had dreams of having a green thumb. in particular an herb garden. And I'm pretty sure that at some point in my life I want to be a hobby farmer--garden, fruit trees, chickens, and a cow or goats to make my own yogurt and cheese from. Problem is, despite growing up in Idaho surrounded by farm land, I have very little real experience that would qualify me to run a venture like this, ya know, besides idealism.

Jane was very excited to plant seeds. So excited, that she bought her own packet of flower seeds at the dollar store a week or so later. We planted them, and we watered them carefully until they sprouted. And then...I'm not sure what happened. They stopped growing. They got about an inch tall and then that was it. I thought maybe they needed more direct sun, so I put them on the porch one late spring morning. And then the soil was so dry it looked burnt up. And so I watered the thing, drowning it, and then, well, I think someone kicked it over and that was that for the flower sprouts.

And the starter kit? Never got planted. It sat on my table for awhile, got kicked under the table, back on the table, in the sewing room, under my bed, in my closet, back on the table, but never planted.

Now, I don't really judge myself too harshly for my lack of follow through here. I was pretty dang sick last spring. That was some nasty, nasty morning sickness I had there. And it d-r-u-g on much past 20 weeks. I had a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and an unemployed husband, while living at my parents house.  But I don't think it was all those circumstantial reasons that kept me from planting. I think I was really just waiting.

Waiting. For a job. A direction. A plan. Inspiration. A job. A home. A plan. A job. Planting those seeds wasn't an act of resigning to our situation. But something kept me back from planting them because I was just sure that we were on the verge of something. Any day now. SOMETHING was going to happen. And when that something happened, it would make sense my NOT planting them. My waiting would have a purpose and would even have been wise.

Now I have a 4 year old, 2 year old, a 5 month old, and unemployed husband, while living at my parents house. I realized in looking at last year that I spent a lot of time hesitating, simply because there are too many unknowns to make a plan. And we all know how much I LOVE to plan; how much PEACE I find in planning.

As 2013 neared, I knew I wanted to change this mental rut I had found myself in. And, as you can see from our New Year's Letter, we are focusing on Faith as a family this year. Personally, I decided I wanted to think about it in terms of planting, of sowing. Because seeds not planted can't grow, right?

My mom is a pretty excellent gardener. And she always does nearly all of it herself. My dad helps with the tilling in the beginning and the harvesting at the end, but everything else in between is my mom. Our first fall here my parents' apple trees were just loaded! We had a fantastic harvest that year, way too many to eat. My dad helped harvest that bounty and put them in the garage where they sat waiting for my mom and I to do something with them. We ate ourselves sick but didn't get any canned and no cider made because of other things that happened that fall. This bothers my dad to no end. The next spring, he barked and complained about tilling because we'd "just let the harvest rot." He tilled anyway, and my mom planted anyway, and this time it was the onions that got left to rot.

But you know what? That doesn't mean that planting was a waste. There was a lot that we did use. And even if there wasn't, that work wasn't wasted.

Why are we so afraid to "waste" effort on things? Why do we think we can "waste" hope? Someone very dear to me is struggling, as we all do, with a life that hasn't gone the way they thought or hoped. This person admitted to me that they have stopped praying entirely because it's just too painful to hope anymore for the life they want. To ask for the blessings they so deeply desire. And I completely get that. If I don't ask, and I don't get- no harm no foul. But if I do ask and nothing happens? At times in this last year, I have really questioned my ability, my strength to handle anymore. So if I ask, and nothing happens, will I crack? Will I break beyond recognition?

How many times can I break til I shatter?

That line on the radio while driving home not too long ago produced tears. And I just need to get over it and accept that life is hard. I don't know why or when I missed that memo growing up, but I think I really thought that life couldn't be that hard when you do what is right. No, I take it back. I had more faith back then. And I know that with faith, things feel easy.

Which brings us back to Sow. That's my one word theme for the year. It means faith, yes. It means action. It means planting whatever there is to plant here and now so I can harvest at some point, regardless of whether that harvest rots or not. It means preparing the soil, curling my toes up in the earth at this moment. It means trusting that if I do my part, SOMETHING will grow.