Happy Birthday to Me!
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And what a relief!! I'm glad to be 30 and leave those tumultuous 20s behind! Seriously! I'm sure I'll have a hard time when I turn 40, but 30 just sounds so....actualized. Confident. Comfortable. Energetic. Definitely more wise and less frenetic than the 20s. It's similar to how I felt turning 20--sounds SO much older than 19. Right? Right?
And Adam gave me the best birthday present! He slept for six hours straight! And so did I! I once told a friend that she shouldn't hold herself to any kind of standard or have any self-guilt about anything or even try to do more than just the basics until her child was "sleeping through the night." I consider this more than 4 hours at a time. And, well, this was Adam's first time sleeping more than 4. He's only done 4 a half dozen or so of times since Christmas. This mamma needs her beauty sleep! I am thirty, after all.
In all seriousness, it's one of my goals in life to age gracefully. I don't ever want to look in the mirror and see a new wrinkle or white hair and be sad or upset about it. I really want to embrace getting older and all that brings.
To celebrate, Eric gave me the day to myself. As much as possible, of course. I got to spend it doing stuff by myself. And I cranked up the iTunes and pulled out my new book on digital art and went through a few lessons and just enjoyed creating and having my brain to myself. It was heavenly.
And Adam gave me the best birthday present! He slept for six hours straight! And so did I! I once told a friend that she shouldn't hold herself to any kind of standard or have any self-guilt about anything or even try to do more than just the basics until her child was "sleeping through the night." I consider this more than 4 hours at a time. And, well, this was Adam's first time sleeping more than 4. He's only done 4 a half dozen or so of times since Christmas. This mamma needs her beauty sleep! I am thirty, after all.
In all seriousness, it's one of my goals in life to age gracefully. I don't ever want to look in the mirror and see a new wrinkle or white hair and be sad or upset about it. I really want to embrace getting older and all that brings.
To celebrate, Eric gave me the day to myself. As much as possible, of course. I got to spend it doing stuff by myself. And I cranked up the iTunes and pulled out my new book on digital art and went through a few lessons and just enjoyed creating and having my brain to myself. It was heavenly.
Just Sow
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This post is dedicated to one Victoria. You always inspire me to write, to be me, and to be a better wife and mother. Keep it up, please.
Last year, sometime around February, I bought a seed starter kit for an herb garden. I have long had dreams of having a green thumb. in particular an herb garden. And I'm pretty sure that at some point in my life I want to be a hobby farmer--garden, fruit trees, chickens, and a cow or goats to make my own yogurt and cheese from. Problem is, despite growing up in Idaho surrounded by farm land, I have very little real experience that would qualify me to run a venture like this, ya know, besides idealism.
Jane was very excited to plant seeds. So excited, that she bought her own packet of flower seeds at the dollar store a week or so later. We planted them, and we watered them carefully until they sprouted. And then...I'm not sure what happened. They stopped growing. They got about an inch tall and then that was it. I thought maybe they needed more direct sun, so I put them on the porch one late spring morning. And then the soil was so dry it looked burnt up. And so I watered the thing, drowning it, and then, well, I think someone kicked it over and that was that for the flower sprouts.
And the starter kit? Never got planted. It sat on my table for awhile, got kicked under the table, back on the table, in the sewing room, under my bed, in my closet, back on the table, but never planted.
Now, I don't really judge myself too harshly for my lack of follow through here. I was pretty dang sick last spring. That was some nasty, nasty morning sickness I had there. And it d-r-u-g on much past 20 weeks. I had a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and an unemployed husband, while living at my parents house. But I don't think it was all those circumstantial reasons that kept me from planting. I think I was really just waiting.
Waiting. For a job. A direction. A plan. Inspiration. A job. A home. A plan. A job. Planting those seeds wasn't an act of resigning to our situation. But something kept me back from planting them because I was just sure that we were on the verge of something. Any day now. SOMETHING was going to happen. And when that something happened, it would make sense my NOT planting them. My waiting would have a purpose and would even have been wise.
Now I have a 4 year old, 2 year old, a 5 month old, and unemployed husband, while living at my parents house. I realized in looking at last year that I spent a lot of time hesitating, simply because there are too many unknowns to make a plan. And we all know how much I LOVE to plan; how much PEACE I find in planning.
As 2013 neared, I knew I wanted to change this mental rut I had found myself in. And, as you can see from our New Year's Letter, we are focusing on Faith as a family this year. Personally, I decided I wanted to think about it in terms of planting, of sowing. Because seeds not planted can't grow, right?
My mom is a pretty excellent gardener. And she always does nearly all of it herself. My dad helps with the tilling in the beginning and the harvesting at the end, but everything else in between is my mom. Our first fall here my parents' apple trees were just loaded! We had a fantastic harvest that year, way too many to eat. My dad helped harvest that bounty and put them in the garage where they sat waiting for my mom and I to do something with them. We ate ourselves sick but didn't get any canned and no cider made because of other things that happened that fall. This bothers my dad to no end. The next spring, he barked and complained about tilling because we'd "just let the harvest rot." He tilled anyway, and my mom planted anyway, and this time it was the onions that got left to rot.
But you know what? That doesn't mean that planting was a waste. There was a lot that we did use. And even if there wasn't, that work wasn't wasted.
Why are we so afraid to "waste" effort on things? Why do we think we can "waste" hope? Someone very dear to me is struggling, as we all do, with a life that hasn't gone the way they thought or hoped. This person admitted to me that they have stopped praying entirely because it's just too painful to hope anymore for the life they want. To ask for the blessings they so deeply desire. And I completely get that. If I don't ask, and I don't get- no harm no foul. But if I do ask and nothing happens? At times in this last year, I have really questioned my ability, my strength to handle anymore. So if I ask, and nothing happens, will I crack? Will I break beyond recognition?
How many times can I break til I shatter?
That line on the radio while driving home not too long ago produced tears. And I just need to get over it and accept that life is hard. I don't know why or when I missed that memo growing up, but I think I really thought that life couldn't be that hard when you do what is right. No, I take it back. I had more faith back then. And I know that with faith, things feel easy.
Which brings us back to Sow. That's my one word theme for the year. It means faith, yes. It means action. It means planting whatever there is to plant here and now so I can harvest at some point, regardless of whether that harvest rots or not. It means preparing the soil, curling my toes up in the earth at this moment. It means trusting that if I do my part, SOMETHING will grow.
Last year, sometime around February, I bought a seed starter kit for an herb garden. I have long had dreams of having a green thumb. in particular an herb garden. And I'm pretty sure that at some point in my life I want to be a hobby farmer--garden, fruit trees, chickens, and a cow or goats to make my own yogurt and cheese from. Problem is, despite growing up in Idaho surrounded by farm land, I have very little real experience that would qualify me to run a venture like this, ya know, besides idealism.Jane was very excited to plant seeds. So excited, that she bought her own packet of flower seeds at the dollar store a week or so later. We planted them, and we watered them carefully until they sprouted. And then...I'm not sure what happened. They stopped growing. They got about an inch tall and then that was it. I thought maybe they needed more direct sun, so I put them on the porch one late spring morning. And then the soil was so dry it looked burnt up. And so I watered the thing, drowning it, and then, well, I think someone kicked it over and that was that for the flower sprouts.
And the starter kit? Never got planted. It sat on my table for awhile, got kicked under the table, back on the table, in the sewing room, under my bed, in my closet, back on the table, but never planted.
Now, I don't really judge myself too harshly for my lack of follow through here. I was pretty dang sick last spring. That was some nasty, nasty morning sickness I had there. And it d-r-u-g on much past 20 weeks. I had a 3 year old, a 1 year old, and an unemployed husband, while living at my parents house. But I don't think it was all those circumstantial reasons that kept me from planting. I think I was really just waiting.
Waiting. For a job. A direction. A plan. Inspiration. A job. A home. A plan. A job. Planting those seeds wasn't an act of resigning to our situation. But something kept me back from planting them because I was just sure that we were on the verge of something. Any day now. SOMETHING was going to happen. And when that something happened, it would make sense my NOT planting them. My waiting would have a purpose and would even have been wise.
Now I have a 4 year old, 2 year old, a 5 month old, and unemployed husband, while living at my parents house. I realized in looking at last year that I spent a lot of time hesitating, simply because there are too many unknowns to make a plan. And we all know how much I LOVE to plan; how much PEACE I find in planning.
As 2013 neared, I knew I wanted to change this mental rut I had found myself in. And, as you can see from our New Year's Letter, we are focusing on Faith as a family this year. Personally, I decided I wanted to think about it in terms of planting, of sowing. Because seeds not planted can't grow, right?
My mom is a pretty excellent gardener. And she always does nearly all of it herself. My dad helps with the tilling in the beginning and the harvesting at the end, but everything else in between is my mom. Our first fall here my parents' apple trees were just loaded! We had a fantastic harvest that year, way too many to eat. My dad helped harvest that bounty and put them in the garage where they sat waiting for my mom and I to do something with them. We ate ourselves sick but didn't get any canned and no cider made because of other things that happened that fall. This bothers my dad to no end. The next spring, he barked and complained about tilling because we'd "just let the harvest rot." He tilled anyway, and my mom planted anyway, and this time it was the onions that got left to rot.
But you know what? That doesn't mean that planting was a waste. There was a lot that we did use. And even if there wasn't, that work wasn't wasted.
Why are we so afraid to "waste" effort on things? Why do we think we can "waste" hope? Someone very dear to me is struggling, as we all do, with a life that hasn't gone the way they thought or hoped. This person admitted to me that they have stopped praying entirely because it's just too painful to hope anymore for the life they want. To ask for the blessings they so deeply desire. And I completely get that. If I don't ask, and I don't get- no harm no foul. But if I do ask and nothing happens? At times in this last year, I have really questioned my ability, my strength to handle anymore. So if I ask, and nothing happens, will I crack? Will I break beyond recognition?
How many times can I break til I shatter?
That line on the radio while driving home not too long ago produced tears. And I just need to get over it and accept that life is hard. I don't know why or when I missed that memo growing up, but I think I really thought that life couldn't be that hard when you do what is right. No, I take it back. I had more faith back then. And I know that with faith, things feel easy.
Which brings us back to Sow. That's my one word theme for the year. It means faith, yes. It means action. It means planting whatever there is to plant here and now so I can harvest at some point, regardless of whether that harvest rots or not. It means preparing the soil, curling my toes up in the earth at this moment. It means trusting that if I do my part, SOMETHING will grow.
Happy New Year
|
Happy
New Year,
This year,
we decided to start a new tradition and send out the year’s letter and picture
after Christmas. I LOVE getting Christmas cards, and I love the process of
writing and reflecting on the year past, but I don’t like doing it before
Christmas. For me, it gets in the way of celebrating Christ’s birth. So this
letter and picture are not technically late, but are purposefully
post-Christmas. And we have had a very sweet holiday season.
At the
beginning of 2012, a good friend of mine shared with me how instead of setting
resolutions at the New Year, she chose a one word or phrase theme for the year.
I loved the idea and tried to come up with one of my own but failed to do so. I
felt that I couldn’t come up with a theme until I had a better idea of how our
life would be in 2012, and all of that seemed to hinge on getting a job. In
addition to being knocked flat by morning sickness into the spring, I kept
pulling a blank when it came to planning and imagining our life.
Retrospectively, too much of our year was unintentionally themed “stalled,”
“neutral,” or “stuck” because we were fixated on moving—out of my parent’s
house, on to the next stage of life, and into a “real” lawyer job for Eric. We
had this one very narrow definition of growth and progress and that idea
eclipsed too often the blessings, joy, love, and growth we have experienced
this year. And while we still really, really want to “move” and are doing
everything in our power to do so, we are also trying to see the bigger picture.
That view, however, only comes with an eye of faith. So our theme for 2013,
which we hope is our lucky number, is simply Faith.
Another way
to describe 2012 would be “The Word of God.” We spent much energy this year
drawing closer to God. We made General Conference the biggest holidays of the
year (next to Christmas) and effectively used it as our curriculum for Family
Home Evenings. We also started reading scriptures as a family from the “big
scriptures” every morning. Jane’s favorite scripture story is the Nativity and
Emiline’s is when King Noah and Abinadi “get burned.” It was amazing how the
spirit in our home changed so much and so sweetly and so quickly as we had
opportunity to learn lessons about asking in faith, obeying immediately, and
having a soft heart.
The
adventures of the year include a trip to Ft. Worth the see the Ludlows in
February, a few Sisters’ get-a-ways in the spring, renovating a bathroom,
installing hardwood floors, time with Great Grandparents, Jane riding a lamb in
the Scipio Rodeo (granted, she fell off in about a second, but she was
determined to do it!), camping as a family, having a baby, filing a police
report after our storage unit got broken into, Grammy and Grampy Ludlow and
Great Grandma Ludlow coming for a visit for Adam’s blessing, lots of family in
town for Thanksgiving, and once again producing our children’s Christmas
musical and benefit. It has been a full year!
Our
wiggliest bundle of joy, Lloyd Adam,
was born on August 23. Named for Marcee’s Dad and Eric’s dearest mentor, he has
been the happiest and most social of our babies yet. So social, in fact, that
he doesn’t want to sleep long, day or night! At 4 months old, he already loves
to figure things out, and we’re amazed at how he can squirm his way across the
floor on his back.
Emiline is our busiest child, running or
jumping almost everywhere she goes, which often leads to a fall or crash most
days and her sobbing cry of, “No, that wasn’t a trick!” She loves a good joke,
being silly, and teasing. She definitely has a mind of her own and likes to
challenge limits. When she decided she was ready to be done wearing diapers,
she just did it—that day, and no sooner. She loves playing ball, dressing up,
singing, being silly, blocks, pocket dolls, coloring, painting, being silly,
her puppy she got from Santa, and her big sister and baby brother.
Jane is now a full-fledged little girl.
Before she started preschool this fall, she was already reading which is of
particular delight to her father. She discovered princesses this year: movies,
dolls, barbies, and stories. Daily she asks one adult or another to make up a
princess story. She has a vast imagination and delights in all stories and
spends her day making up her own, whether through dressing up, playing dolls,
or drawing pictures. She loves to sing and dance and even had a speaking part
in the Christmas play her mother directed. She also loves “fashion” and one day
fell to pieces because Mommy threw out a stack of magazines before she got to
look through them. She LOVES to pick out her outfits and loves contrast; orange
is still her favorite color. She has a sweet and tender heart, her sister is
her best friend, and she adores her little brother. She has quite the “mommy
voice” when playing with him.
Marcee has had her best year physically
since Jane was born. Her back issues are no more and she had a pretty great
pregnancy and delivery. She is even more amazed by the human body and continues
to study health, alignment, and nutrition. She still teaches the Beehives and
even made it to Girls Camp at 37 weeks pregnant. She also started writing again
this year, including an essay for the collection “Undefining Women” (release
date still TBA). She again taught music and drama this year and she and Eric
will be teaching at the local community college in the spring.
Eric is, according to Marcee’s mother,
“the busiest unemployed person I know.”
He has worked so hard in so many ways. He continues to do all he can in
the job search as well as work other odd jobs. He’s been blessed to have many
opportunities to substitute teach. He continues to volunteer at Legal Aid, do
some contract work and has even had some successful tax clients. He’s packed 3
years worth of Continuing Legal Education into about 8 months. He’s currently building
a website to expand his virtual practice opportunities. He loves to help out
(probably too much) with the children, and is the sweetest husband.
We hope
your Christmas season was filled with joy and peace and your new year with
hope!
Much Love,
The
Ludlows
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