Lessons Learned

One of my favorite people, who happens to be my cousin, comes from a family of optimism. She, like my best friend from college, would probably love and be very good at playing the "grateful game," you know, where to get yourself out of a funk you start listing things you are grateful for until you feel better. For the record, for my most of my life I have detested the grateful game. I don't think you should ever wallow in a funk, but I also don't think you should jump straight to talking yourself out of it. I think it's better to feel what you are feeling so you can narrow in on what is bothering you and come up with a solution and then move on. I used to detest the grateful game.

Enter Chronic Pain.

One of the most problematic things about any kind of chronic condition (I think bed rest can fit in here, too, even though there is an end in sight) is that it is practically unsolvable. So I had to rely on gratitude to change my worldview instead of coming up with or implementing a solution to change things. In the last 2 1/2 years as a mom, with a husband in school, with some other problems, and with my back problems, I have learned that gratitude is the key to joy.

I think that's why daily prayer is so important. Offering real gratitude to the giver of all is one of the best ways I know of growing happiness. And keeping your sanity in certain conditions...

The year before Jane was born, I discovered something important about myself. I tended to base my self-worth on my productivity. If I got a lot done, then I had value as an individual. I knew this was a problem and I tried on my own to change my perspective, but I also asked for help from the Lord (which is always risky, He most certainly throws a "trial" in your way to help you grow). After Jane was born, I never fully recovered. I bled for 12 weeks, I had this burning pain in my pelvis that got progressively worse every time I was standing until my jaw was clenched and my hands were shaking. Looking back, I can laugh at my ineptness at caring for myself, listening to my body's signals, and the state of pain-tinged, sleep-deprived stupor I was in just trying to cope. I was just so overwhelmed with all the changes (moving when Jane was a week old, starting law school, moving again, oh right, and motherhood) that I really wasn't thinking straight. And I just didn't know what was going on, not like I do now.

In addition to that fearsome pelvic pain, at 5 1/2 months post pardum, I "threw my back out" pretty bad. The doctor thought it was a herniation (it wasn't). And I couldn't even lift a gallon of milk without causing severe back pain and spasms. Moving around at all sucked, but eventually became doable, but on my back I was pain free. I had to farm Jane out for 2 weeks because I simply couldn't care for her, and after that was a long journey to figure out how to be healthy and strong again, with several bumps and hurdles along the road (breast reduction to help with my goofed up spinal curve, more PT for the pelvic issues, another "outage" and very likely herniation this time, but I was 8 weeks pregnant so we couldn't do imaging, more PT, gave up on PT, tried chiropractic, had the baby, lots of gym time not much improvement, had a MRI-no nerve impingement but three bulging disks, referred to different and AWESOME PT- a 12 week program, graduated with near normalcy.) I don't have it all figured out, and I still have pain here and there, but for practical purposes, my pain doesn't keep me down anymore. Some days it makes me more ornery than I otherwise might be, and I don't think all my energy or stamina has come back, but life is so much more livable and functional now that it feels like normal.

So back to the lessons learned. Looking back I can easily see the blessings of all of that. For example:
It's very possible that without my back and pelvic problems that I would have whirled around trying to do a million things and completely missed taking the time to enjoy the moments with my child/children. But I was forced to slow down and sometimes just lay on the couch and play with Jane and just enjoy her and come up with silly games and do lots and lots of reading together. I'm really grateful for that blessing, because to Him, and to me if I keep a grateful heart, that was a huge blessing! The amount of joy I've gotten from just slowing down, as well as the insights I've gained into my kids, it's changed how I love and parent them and the satisfaction I get out of it all at the same time. There are lots of other things I have learned that I wouldn't trade for anything, but those are for another post someday.

In closing:

Doctrine and Covenants 46:32
And ye must give ^athanks unto God in the Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with.

My take on that scripture is if you can find a way to give thanks in "whatsoever blessing[/trial] ye are blessed with," then you will that blessing/trial as a blessing. I think gratitude changes our paradigm to one much more elevated and like God's vision. Boy, I'm grateful for gratitude!

I even play the grateful game. Sometimes. In my mind. But with different rules.