Happy Birthday Jane, Part I

I promise to share pics, movies, and details soon. First, though, this:

Dear Jane,
It is 7:54 pm the night of your first birthday. I am exhausted on the couch and you are exhausted in your crib, but I can hear you chatting with your lamby lovies like you always do before you fall asleep. This time last year, we were doing this:

and this:and this:

The time it took to get you born and when you finally came, is such a sweet, sacred experience to me. I remember the soft, low light, the savory, warm, almost-steamy air, and your sweet, keen eyes. I remember not being able to take my eyes off of you. I was mesmerized. In so many ways, I was born that night, too.

Jane, you have been such a joy to your father and me. This year has been so full and so sweet. There is something so profound, so deep, so dazzling about being a mother. Even as I write this, I know there is no way to capture it, no way for you to understand until your a mommy yourself. I look forward to that day, Jane, even as I can't fathom you growing any bigger than you are right now, so that you might understand just how much I love you.

As you grow up, as you become whoever you are, I want you to know a few things about yourself right now, things I have seen in you: You are smart. You are so observant, careful, and creative. You make connections and wow us everyday. You have a great sense of humor, you love the unexpected and the silly. You love kids. Your favorites have always been the 4-8 year olds. You adore music. And details. You like to do things right. When you mess up, you have to do it again correctly. If you don't know what went wrong, you look at me or daddy and cry out, but then you turn back to the challenge at hand and do it right, even if it hurt you the first time (like when you tried to close the cabinet this morning and pinched your fingers. You looked at us, cried, then turned back to the cabinet to show it who was boss). You are tenacious. And patient. You have always been very "chill." These things are within you now, August 14, 2009. It's up to you if they are a part of the future you, the one that is reading this.

As you grow up, as you become whoever you want to be, know that I will always love you ardently. I can't help it, you are stitched onto my heart. You cover a hole on my heart I never knew was there. It's hard to remember what love was like before there was you.

Around eight years ago, I sat in a rocking chair in a pink pioneer dress on a stage holding a bundle of blankets with a doll inside. And I sang this song. I couldn't understand the lyrics then, and I'm only just beginning to now. They are the perfect lullaby:

Through your eyes skies look brighter
Grass more green clouds are whiter.
When you're close cares grow lighter,
I'm glad that you were born.

Through your eyes hills stretch higher.
When you smile you inspire
hearts to sing in a choir.
I'm glad that you were born.

Born to laugh, born to dream
Born to spread your light.

Through your eyes I see clearer
You bring God so much nearer.
Life has grown so much dearer,
I'm glad that you were born.

I love you Jane Skylar Ludlow. I'm glad that you were born.