2 Reasons I Feel Clever

1) Emiline says binky "mi mi." She had really started to get attached to it, and I didn't want it to become a lovey if we could avoid it. Over the last month, we've been looking for opportunities to withhold the binky, like not giving it to her unless she asks, then quickly distracting her if she started to ask, and then after she hadn't been using it regularly, it got lost for a few days. We kept it out of sight, too. At about the same time, she started falling in love with a stuffed dolly, so we decided to name it Mimi. It only happened a few times were she asked for "mi mi" and we gave her the doll that she was initially unsatisfied. Now it's regularly successful. Woot! Woot (knock on wood!) Nevermind that she's started sleeping with her hand down the back of her diaper...

2) For what seems like forever, we have been insisting that Jane "explore" her food, and nothing more. We made her smell it, mush it, swirl it, and we'd ask her questions about it to try and help her not be afraid of it and try to get her to play with it (our version of food therapy). After a while, we would make her just try one bite. If she did and didn't like it, then she could have something else. There were some successes here, we did increase her number of acceptable foods, even got her eating a little meat. But it also went on forever and it after a while it seemed like Jane really enjoyed the drama of refusing the bite and then coaxing her to eat one, etc., etc. So I figured she was big enough to suck it up and eat more than one bite. One night when Eric was gone, I ended up force feeding her three bites of a hamburger, I think it was. There were a lot of tears. But after that, I told her she could eat the rest of her hamburger the easy way or the hard way. And she did. And she's since had a whole bunch of other foods with minimal fuss, stuff she was terrified of even just a few months ago. We've only had to repeat the hard way one more time, even. Today I made "cheesy toast." Bread, tuna, and cheese broiled, something Jane has had a fit over in the past. Grandma came up stairs and talked to Jane about the recipe for Cheesy Toast (she's been into the difference between a recipe and ingredients lately). I put it on her plate along with apples and carrots, and without even asking, Jane had 3 bites!! And with just two reminders to eat her food instead of "rain" her carrots (pretend they were rain), she ate the whole thing! I'm kinda dumfounded and super pleased. I'm glad that it seems we have just about beat the picky eater thing! Woot! Woot! (knock on wood).

Achievement Calendar

While pregnant with Emiline, I made what I call an Achievement Calendar. I was worried that I wouldn't take enough pictures, write enough notes, scrapbook or blog enough about my second child. So I made a calendar 18 months long that was pretty and went with the decor in the girls' room. Each page has a quote about babies or parenting and a space for a 4x6 picture. It's all prettied up, of course and then the calendar part is left wide open, leaving me space to write all the cute things and milestones, etc of my second born. Well, I wish I'd done it for Jane! Tonight I added the last few months of pictures and took some time to read through the calendar and reminisce on my baby turned toddler. It was a pretty nice night.

The last few days have been... um, well, difficult. I don't know what my deal is exactly, I have plenty of external reasons to feel all dumpy (lost jobs, etc), but I have plenty of internal ones not to. At any rate, I've not been myself. My kids have been sick all week and more needy, and Thursday I did my own sort of therapy: creating. In particular, banging out Halloween costumes and other craft projects that had been at a stand still. It was good for me, but I'm pretty sure my kids picked up on my distraction. Today was a particularly frustrating, exhausting, and anxiety causing day. But I got the kids (mostly) fed, more or less bathed, and even picked up their room, then to bed with moderate crying. When things died down, I happened to have the house to myself. So I drank my Raspberry Leaf Tea, listened to Pandora, and finished up a few organizational and pretty projects, including the calendar.

It was such a great moment for me to reflect on the joy my children bring me. Updating the calendar with things like "sat on the pew at church with a hymnal and "sang" so seriously and intently" or "while getting dressed, ran off before I got your shirt on. You said "no shirt, Mommy, I don't like it" or "I asked what you were doing and you said 'teasing Jane'" or "says the cutest 'I Love You' [lub loo]"

And then I think about Jane's joy when I took the time yesterday to lay down with her during quiet time. She kept rolling over and hugging me and patting my face and saying things like "today is the best day ever!" all because I was right there with her. I feel it so keenly, small children NEED their moms, or at least mine do. And I'm glad I'm able to be there for them right now.

Because I don't post enough pictures of Emiline

Emiline is so stinkin' cute. Such a doll, but so hard to capture on camera. She's talking all the time now, describing what she's doing in single word sentences, asking for things in three word demands, and oh! does she love to laugh!

I'm a Mean Old Witch...

This is a favorite Halloween song I learned in my mother's singing group, Harmony Kids. Well, Jane joins with the four years olds every Monday (and so does Emiline, actually), down in my mom's studio for singing. The first thing she asks when she wakes up Monday is "is time for singing?" Definitely her favorite day of the week. So we took a quick video of her singing the song. Enjoy!

The Rainbow Connection

A recent Facebook discussion got me thinking about my decision to go to grad school. That, and The Rainbow Connection cycled through on the kids' Pandora station today and it's been on the back of my mind. The song and my decision are actually related. So hold on to your seats for a little walk down memory lane (I love it when a mixing of metaphors is contradictory!).

I went back and forth about grad school a lot before I even applied. Part of me always wanted to do it for the same reason I wanted to get straight As. What was that reason? I'm still not quite sure. I still can't articulate it satisfactorily. But I hit a point around the ripe old age of 23 or so where I decided that I was going to just do my life and stop waiting around for things out of my control. See, my first choice job has always been an all-the-time, in-your-face, nurture-iffic mom. And I didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize my availability for that. So I turned down secondary education because I knew that was a one or the other job for me. But I also knew that I would be a really, really, really good teacher and that I would love it. So then I decided that getting more education and teaching college classes would be more ideal, definitely more flexible and if I never did get a shot at that first choice job, I'd at least have something to do that I loved, was good at, and that I found meaning in.

So I went for it. I wrote a 90+ page honor's thesis, I took the GRE, I learned Spanish, and I did it. I found out I was accepted to UT a few weeks after I had met Eric and I had committed to go a few weeks before we got serious. (yeah, we moved fast)

Most of my family assumed that now that I'd found my man that my plan of going to grad school, which had become a sort of dream during the few years previous, would be tossed aside. Eric had a good job in Vegas, we had family there, I was all set to graduate with my BA, it sounded nice and tidy. I could settle into my first-choice job quite nicely. I had said I was ready. But there was something about grad school I couldn't totally let go of, even though in my heart, I was sooooo ready to start a family.

Towards the end of the summer, when Eric and I knew we would get married, but months and months before we actually got engaged, I was at his house working on statistics, with his help, of course. And The Rainbow Connection, Sarah McLaughlin version, cycled through on the iPod. The line
"Have you been half asleep, or have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is it the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it,
its something that I'm supposed to be..."

Now, I've always loved that song, and been fascinated by the cadence made up entirely of a repeating fifth interval. But that day, crazy as it sounds, the Spirit touched me through that song. There was something in Texas for me, something that I was supposed to become. And I needed to go. For me.

We went for a walk one evening to talk about it. I remember it so clearly, the light in Vegas is so hot that it changes the shape and feel of the shadows. The air felt clearer that night, as hot and stifling as it should have been, I breathed deep on that walk and Eric and counseled about this decision. One of the first things that caught my eye about Eric was when I told him I was headed to grad school and he was impressed with that and didn't see that as an obstacle to pursuing me. If it was right, he'd follow me. (Granted, in those early months, he didn't think I'd actually go). We both agreed, I needed to go.

So I went. And for a majority of the time, I hated it. It was, in a lot of ways, a soul-crushing experience. It deadened inside of me a lot of the things I had loved about literature and theory. It deflated my creativity. And I wondered oh-so-many times what the heck I had done. Now, there were bright spots. There were some truly amazing people I met. There was so much I learned about myself without even realizing I was learning. There were some really exciting moments intellectually, all though a whole lot fewer than I ever thought there would be. There was also a lot of growing up (and I thought, and I think I was, really mature). I did get my Master's Degree there, but also more debt. And for a few years I wondered what the point of it was, what I had really gotten out of it. See, I couldn't point my finger at any one thing I got, that was truly useful to my eternal development.

We left Austin a little over three years ago. We are back in Idaho, living in my parent's house while my husband looks for a legal job in the crappiest legal economy ever. My Master's degree got me a pretty sweet regular tutoring job that I can bring my kids to. I'm also teaching a night class for the local community college, and that is truly a delightful experience. I can see the forest for the trees now. I can see that it was worth it for the opportunities I now have. But, more than that, I can feel the Rainbow Connection. So often in our lives, in our decisions, we stand at one end of the rainbow wondering what's on the other side. The rainbow isn't something we can touch or measure or quantify, so something in us turns to song to process it. I'd been singing my rainbow song for years trying to make sense of myself, my desires, my femininity, my responsibility, my thoughts, and how all of that fit into the world. I had heard something calling my name, but I thought it was coming from outside. I thought I had an external journey, more learning and training, to go on in order to become whatever it was I was supposed to be.

I think I am the rainbow. All of us are. And we stand at one end wondering where the other end is going to end up. Wondering what we are, what we are made of and yet amazed and awed by the potential within us. And that's the voice, calling us to recognize and nourish the seeds of divinity within.

In my religion and in the culture that has grown out of it, there is a great focus on the sanctity of motherhood and that crowning blessing of all men and women that is children and family. There were times that I wondered if that was the "all" there was to my worth. I had no idea how vast and expansive that "all" was, which I chuckle about all the time now. And even though I wanted husband, children, family more than any other thing in the world, I also didn't want to become defined only by them. I'm essentializing here, but it seems that women are so good at losing themselves to that or who they love, whether that's loved ones, work, a cause, a hobby, whatever. And not in "he that loseth his life for My sake shall find it" sort of way, but the Lost and Never Found sort of way. In my church, I have been asked to teach the 12 and 13 year old girls once a week on a set of proscribed lesson materials. And I worry what message they are hearing. I want them to hear the Lord's. I want them to hear the Spirit's. And I want them to hear their own. I want them to hear their own call, because that's who they are.

And let's end with a Regina Spektor Connection:
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

You know, the life of a young mother is one of little time for yourself. And I hope that every woman, before she enters into that amazing responsibility and joy, also has the opportunity to answer her own call, or at least hear the "quiet word." I want her to get a sense of who she is before she is Mother and Everything to her little ones, so that it doesn't get drowned out or turned off or lost. Because life moves on, children grow, and then there is time and opportunity and so much skill and passion in us to shout our battle cry. When we "return" from our motherly missions, we'll be ready to answer another call. There is no need to say goodbye.

Late Night Blogging

OK, so it wasn't THAT late, but it was past Jane's bedtime. The girls usually go to bed at the same time, but Emiline was especially tired that night and Jane insisted she wasn't. So while I was waiting for her to brush her teeth and wash her face and hands, I started a blog entry. Well, it got a little too quiet in the bathroom and when I went to check, this is what I found!

She still has her feet in the bathroom!

Family Home Evening

After General Conference yesterday, Eric and I were both extremely touched by the new fund the Church has put together to help people attending the temple for the first time. We've decided to donate to that fund and help the girls save their "monies" to help, too. So we printed out the above picture with the caption "Helping Other Families Be Together Forever" and put it on a jar. We talked about how much we love each other and how much we love to be together and how we never want to be apart. We then talked about what it means to be sealed using a simple object lesson. We talked about sweet Mallory and how, because we are sealed, we will see her again and be with her forever. Eric showed a picture of the world and how lucky we are to have so many temples close to us and how lots of places in the world do not live close to a temple at all and how hard it would be for a family to not be able to be sealed. Then we let the girls do a few jobs (put away toys, etc) to earn some coins to put in the jar. Boy, were they excited! It was the best part of the whole lesson for Emiline! We'll see how long they stay interested in it, but are going to do our best to fill the jar this week (it's a small jar) and then turn it in on Sunday. Next week for Family Home Evening, we'll head to the temple.

Emiline's First Haircut

It was time, she was getting pretty shaggy. And I was OK with the fact that she's NOT a baby anymore, so I knew I 'd be OK with how much older she would look. My genius sister did it again, even cut her a bob with some small layering in the back. And we decided to go with bangs to cover up the almost constant bruise she pretty much always has on her head (the most recent is a dooooo-zzzy!). I didn't want her to look at her toddler pictures and be like "Geesh Mom! Were you constantly dropping me on my head, or what???"

The Bruise!

The After

My Husband, The Lawyer

It's official! Eric is now a lawyer, all sworn in and everything. Did you know they swear them and everything? He took an oath with 89 other Idaho Bar Admittees, the same oath they've been swearing since 1800-something. The ceremony was in Boise at the state capitol and me, my mom, and the girls came to watch. It was actually a pretty neat thing. There were two judges that spoke, one from the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, and they were both very Idaho!! (i.e. awesome!) One judge phrased his advice to the new lawyers in idioms, appropriate to Idahoans and those that strive to be, that made me smile and sigh in big breaths of fresh air. My favorite was "Don't Squat With Your Spurs On," meaning, play nice with the other lawyers. Be ethical and a good person. We were also told to laugh and define your own success and several other good pieces of advice. Oh, and the Idaho Bar is the best bar in the country. That came up a few times ;-)

It's really incredible to be "done" with this whole thing. I mean, we still have a long row to hoe, and there might be more school and more lean times for a while, but he DID IT! He ran that gauntlet and won! And he did well! But more importantly, he did well enough. He didn't sacrifice our marriage or family in the process. Sure, there were a lot of exceptions we made and we certainly weren't living the kind of life balance we hope to get to eventually. But neither did he let school consume him, not all the time at least ;-) He made some tough calls on how to allocate his time and I think he did a bang up job. I couldn't be prouder of my husband.

Just Happy.

Today was a really good day. And the thing is, I'm not totally sure why. So I'm writing this post to figure it out so I can get More Happy, and I'm going to do some contrasting with what I've decided in my mind what equals a good day. This is all really just for me and my posterity, so feel free to skip it.

Woke up 7-ish. Kids where already up and got to at least kiss Eric goodbye before he left for the day.
IDEALLY: I'd get up at 6:00, do some yoga/stretching, some breathing/mediation, some prayer and scripture study, short walk and make breakfast before the kids wake up.

Greeted the kids excitedly (forced) and got right to making breakfast- oatmeal pancakes and strawberry orange smoothie. Yum. Kids ate pretty well, some teething fussiness from E and just the usual mealtime dance with J.
IDEALLY: It would have gone a lot faster. I did get the kitchen tidied, though, but it all took til nearly 9:00.

Really, really tired and cold, I talked J, and even E for a bit, into snuggling up with me and watching a perfectly frivolous Australian teen series called H20, Just Add Water about girls that turn into mermaids if they get wet. She'll watch it because they always become mermaids at least once in the show and while Dora doesn't bug me to have on, I don't like to watch it.
IDEALLY: Yay, I'm not the a.m. TV kinda girl. So I was really tired. And crazy cold for some reason. The idea is that we are through our "To Do" book, pictures of all the things J is supposed to do in the morning, before 8:30...

Still really, really tired and cold. So I turn on Laurie Berkner for the kids. And send myself to my room for scripture study. I text Eric about how cold and tired I am and I kind of resign myself to a long day. I snuggled up in bed and read my scriptures for a bit, till just after 10:00. Behind much?

Then, somehow, I found some energy. We got going and did everything on our list, which includes J making her bed (with help), getting dressed (with help), brushing teeth, washing face, sweeping up breakfast mess, reading scriptures (which was quite sweet this particular day), a handful of other things, and wiggling: We turn on the Wiggles and we all dance. J is getting pretty good at a couple of the moves. This took us to 11:30!! Behind much?

Then we got out the play dough, something E had never touched before, and they played and I did something I hate to do- financial type calls. They give me anxiety and an upset stomach. But the kids where playing nicely and it had to be done so I just sucked it up and did it. And it wasn't too bad, actually. Great to not have to worry about it!

Then we did lunch, clean up lunch, and bedtime for E, quiet time for J and I worked on some stuff for Harmony Kids. My mom has had this singing group for 25 years now and I'm helping (again). This year we are putting on a Christmas musical and so I was getting some audition materials ready to go. It was enjoyable and a productive use of my quiet time.
IDEALLY: I'm still not sure what is supposed to be the best use of my quiet time. I've thought about using it for exercise or creative writing or painting or working or something I can't really do with the kids awake...I just know I'm not supposed to let it flit away, I'm supposed to utilize it today, which I did.

This brought us to 2:30 and J was up and eager for singing time to start. I finished some things I'd been making for the studio and got them up on the wall and then E woke up and singing started. Today I was down there off and on for the 3 hours of lessons. So it was mostly a circuit of teaching drama basics, herding toddlers, and cooking dinner (Mondays are always a big dinner night for me, don't know why).

Which brought us to 6:00. I was feeling pretty awesome for the things I'd taught the kids and how good they are and for the glimpse of how fun the next few months of putting this thing together is going to be. And because dinner was really tasty. And because Eric was home. And because everyone liked dinner. J and E were especially challenging during the meal and required quite a bit of focused, calm attention, but it was no problem. Dessert was baking pleasantly in the oven and I was putting out the kid's fires left and right with style. Then the kids went out to jump on the tramp and I got an FHE lesson together and we did that (not the best FHE, but we did it!) Then it was PJs and stories and bedtime and then Eric went to bed too and I've had the last hour and a half to write emails and blog and check FB for a few minutes.

I DIDN'T exercise (yet?) - we didn't go on a walk and I didn't do any stretching or strength training. I was NOT well rested, but I did eat and drink VERY well today.
I DIDN'T do anything crafty, but I was a bit creative in the singing stuff I prepared and taught. The only learning I did was in my scripture study. And I DID have a long enough break from childrens' voices.

So, what are the things that made today great? (not in order of importance. Except #1)
1. Reading my scriptures. Hand's down, that one is a game changer. I've noticed for me, though, it has to be done before 3:00 or it doesn't do as much. Morning is best.
2. Not expecting too much. I woke up so tired and couldn't shake it for so long, I think my low expectations for the day had a little to do with it's success....hmmmm...not sure how I feel about that one.
3. Teaching and doing with my kids what I know I'm supposed to do, like reading scriptures, and teaching Jane good hygiene and cleaning habits, and cuddling and loving and playing with them.
4. Doing something that I'm particularly good at that benefits others- getting the audition materials ready and teaching the kids some drama basics was a nice little kick in my day, reminding me of past-awesome-i-tude and talent in areas I don't utilize much these days. Also, it wasn't stressful AT ALL preparing for it! I was a little stressed prepping for preschool the other day, lots of rushing around. There was NONE with this.
5. Cooking. Cooking something tasty. Cooking something everyone likes. Cooking something healthy. And planning it was a cinch, no wasted minutes of scratching my head figuring what the crap to make. All those add up to Joy. I really do love to cook on all those levels.
6. Chatting with my mom about several things throughout the day. Even though we live here, she's gone A LOT. It's amazing how much we don't talk, actually. But we had several nice, short conversations about things here and there.
7. Calling about the financial stuff. It really was a weight that was lifted for me, AND there is always that little kick back of pride in doing something that is normally hard for me.
8. Blogging/Emailing. Yep, kinda love it. It's not that I forget how much happier it makes me, it's that I guilt myself out of it thinking there is something else I should be working on.

So, how do I replicate this day? I think my scripture study was HUGE this morning. I didn't just read, but I got really thoughtful about certain aspects of my parenting and my role as a mom right now in our situation. There are a lot of reasons to worry these days. And there are a lot of things I have no control over. But I have total control over my parenting and those kids are my top priority, no matter what else is going on in our lives. If we had a dream (or a tolerable) job already and our own place and whatever else, I would still be focusing on exactly what I'm focusing on. That was pretty comforting, sustaining thought today and I chewed on it all day. I think I need to chew on something everyday.

All right, so I'm sorta spent all of a sudden and I kind of want to go on and pontificate some more and push for some more answers but the tired wave just hit me, and I know from experience if I don't go to bed now, I'll be up past 11:00. And that, plus molars coming in for E, could make for ugly tomorrow.