Since Eric got his awesome job and we moved to NSL, I have had this weird problem of dealing with a body that is used to operating on the edges of survival mode not realizing it can down regulate. So even though life is not at all the same kind of stressful it was for years, it's like I can't turn it off. I've been working on it for over a year now, and while it's a lot better I still find myself getting surprised when it hits really strong at moments. I've also found it hits pretty hard on Sunday nights.
Today was Stake Conference, which meant that Eric and I both had a break from the many responsibilities and mental load of our callings. So of course I planned a dozen or so things we could do in that time, things like have interviews with the kids and an epic family executive counsel where we finish going over some stuff for my Self Reliance class, budgeting, planning for the summer, and other couple stuff. It's 9:32 and the house is trashed (because apparently when MaryLena plays quietly now, it means she is cutting paper into teeny tiny bits of confetti in every room of the house), we have a packed day tomorrow with the homeschool co-op that both Eric and I teach at, there are still dishes all over the kitchen, and I start to take stock of the week and everything, all the physical labor on my plate... and I could list a dozen of open ended things just around the house, a half dozen things on my list for Primary, another half dozen writing-related items, and then just kids' needs and homeschool and I just want to go on a date with my husband and catch a session at the temple.
And gummy bears. I really want gummy bears.
The thing is, this is nothing new. There is always several dozen things that feel on the verge of being urgent. And this doesn't always stress me out, except when it does. And then it's a shot of panic straight to my adrenals. I think about posting on FB or IG or snapchat what I'm feeling, but I never do. When it comes down to it, I'm not a status update kinda girl. My yop is too big for that, I need to equivocate and explain. It's not that I want to just throw up all over the page (even though this page is more vomit then usual), but I also find relief in carving some beauty in my words, it somehow makes the mundane less of a prison and more of a deliberate process I'm submitting to for higher ends.
I was reminded today that I should never fear the wilderness. And that God is in the details of my life. I don't feel like life right now is a wilderness, it feels very full of wonderful things. But it does feel a bit wild and not my promised land. I do feel like I'm "dwelling in a tent," like Lehi of old, in that I am impermanent and ready to pick up and follow the Lord to wherever is next. I do feel like the lesson of my life right now is to learn how to balance and breathe at the same time, to find peace during the storm. And to see God in the details, because BOY are there SO many details right now...
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