So I'm just going to put it out there--I'm not OK. Frankly, I'm not sure what I am, but this uncertainty I think is the real reason that I have remained functionally mute in so many ways for so long. Why functionally? Because my degree of muteness is impairing my ability to function. I don't journal. I don't blog. My prayers are piddily. My Go-To girls from Minnesota I would usually employ in absorbing all the blather and dithering from my mouth are, well, in Minnesota (or moved to states that are not Idaho). I can't write anything, not even Facebook Status updates (not that I was ever very good at that). And more, I can hardly create anything anymore, it seems. I've always been an idea girl, and I still have them on occasion. Before they would flash in the pan, get me excited and moving, and then if they didn't come to pass it was because I had another idea, or already had too many before and it's just not possible to follow through on all the ideas. Now, its I get some flashes and before I get very far, the fear or the rejection that feels like my life settles in and I think something I haven't really thought a whole lot in my life "I can't."
And IT'S BEEN A YEAR! Seriously. I have been in this Netherland of Unknown Limbo-i-stan for more than a year.
I haven't wanted to write all this because I haven't wanted to complain or whine or solicit pep talks. I am so blessed right now. My kids are amazing. My husband is so sweet and diligent and hilarious and wonderful. We have food, clothes, and shelter. We are all healthy. We are supremely thrilled with Baby Boy's impending arrival. My parents are the best housemates you could imagine. I feel like we are doing all that we know how and just keep hitting the wall and my bruises are getting bruises. And now I'm at the point were I keep looking for the magic pill, for the thing that will get me out of this boggy mental quicksand I'm in. I feel like every struggle is pointless. I catch glimmer of something that might just work to shatter the wall, and then I can't seem to make myself follow through and give it a try. "Just Try" is a family rule. Or as Dory says "just keep swimming..." And I can't. Or don't. Or won't. See, my muteness has gummed up my ability to even use verbs properly.
Please, no comments on this one, K? This one was just meant to go out into the universe and echo around, but not be answered. I would have put it on the secret blog, but this part of our life is a story of our lives. Definitely a story that is causing lines on my face, I'm just hoping they aren't all those confused "what-the-..." lines I get on my forehead and in between my nose when I scrunch up my face like a pug dog. Unless, of course, you want to tell my you liked my writing, that I had a particularly nice turn of phrase or image, in that case, comment away.
