I couldn't wait to go to kindergarten. The first day of school felt like a holiday to me (up until high school-ish), because I so dearly loved to learn. I was an early and avid reader and school was the place where I got new books and new things to think on. So, when Jane started preschool, I was totally unprepared for the sobs that came with it. Everyday, she would cry and say she didn't want to go for different reasons. She is also an early and avid reader (earlier than me), and was reading before she started preschool, and reading novels (Magic Treehouse) before the year ended. But she also yearns to learn.
We went ahead with the kindergarten testing in the spring, and talked to a family friend who is also one of the local elementary school principals. Advancing a grade was not possible, even though she met all the readiness requirements for first grade. Grades can't be skipped until second grade or something. We got the impression that that there would be little her teacher could/would do to supplement her and so she would be very bored. She's also young for the grade, mid-August birthday, and so, since she was sobbing at the idea of going back to school, we looked into other options.
We started into looking at the K-12 program and a few like it. These are basically public schools online. The parent works as a kind of learning coach and there is a teacher you check in with and homework and lessons all delivered via a computer. The program in Idaho seemed very flexible and that Jane would be able to move up as she mastered skills and content.
And then we moved to Kansas.
We continued working on our enrollment online, though, and as we jumped all the paperwork hoops, we got a different picture of the Kansas K-12 program. It is the opposite of flexible. So we bowed out. And decided, since Kansas doesn't require children to be in school until they are 7, that we'd keep her at home for a while and see. Maybe we'd put her in at Christmas, maybe she'd be more socially eager and emotionally ready by then.
In the meantime, I was now a homeschooler. Education is like my number one hobby. My husband jokes that I don't really know how to have fun. Where other people have fun playing a game, or skiing, or swimming, or whatever, I enjoy learning something new. Much rather read a good book than go to an amusement park. So taking on the responsibility of my daughter's education had me hitting the books again.
And this is the new universe that I live in now. I opened the door, and I don't know if I can go back. But I'm not exactly sure that I can do what is required in this new paradigm. And it's pretty scary sometimes, the weight of what this means for my life is pretty heavy and honestly, I often wish I hadn't opened the door in the first place.
I have decided to share, in a series of posts, what I see on this side of the door, here on this blog. I considered starting a new one to share all about it, but then I'd have to come up with a clever name, and I'm fresh out of clever. I'm too busy thinking-nay, wrestling, with all these ideas, ideas I will try and share here. I want to share the why of what I'm considering as school for my children. And I'm looking for help in the how. That means I'm still trying to figure out how to implement the things I'm learning and theorizing about. So feel free to comment, share, connect me with people you know who are like-minded or are actually doing the thing I'm trying to do.
But that means there is homework. So, if you haven't seen this already, watch it. I'll be back in the next post with a summary of what I thought of it and I how I want to try to do something with it.
When I Grow Up
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I feel new.
Tonight we went around to visit our neighbors. We've been here in our pretty standard American suburb (houses 10 feet apart, small but not teeny fenced back yards) neighborhood for almost 8 months and I still don't really know my neighbors. We had a little bit of meeting when we needed to borrow tools to take out a hedge last fall. And I had great intentions of going caroling to everyone at Christmas (we got the flu instead). And there is the casual waving when shoveling walks in the winter and checking the mail here and there, but it wasn't enough to really get to know them.
And that's the funny thing about living in such close quarters. I can't decide if it's the introvert in me or the country girl, but living so close and being able to see so much of everybody's business without even trying to, I feel like I should make an effort to not look. And it's more than just ignoring the shouting spouses kitty-corner when I'm taking out the trash. I feel the need to put up blinders, especially in the backyard.
Anyhow, we were going to take stuff around on Valentine's day, and SOMETHING got in the way of that too. Third time was the charm with Easter. So I made two batches of sourdough white bread (6 loaves), let the girls decorate some white paper bags and we took them around tonight. Two houses we just briefly introduced ourselves at the door to an adult, the third house was a cute 5 year old kid who told us right away we couldn't come in because the house was "trashed" and her parents where in the bathroom. But our last two stops were delightful. In particular, the last house that wasn't initially on the list but Jane insisted we stop turned out to be really neat.
I can't remember the last time I had such an easy conversation with someone. We equally shared, laughed, connected, and just had a ball! Eric and I made real friends tonight!
Which brings me back to feeling new. These days when I talk to people, and since we are still new here it's a lot of people that I don't know or they don't know me well, etc, I am very aware of how I might be perceived. This isn't new, but in the last few years, SO many of the things I do and am passionate about ARE new. And very different. For example, I have no chairs or couches in my house. That's a specific health choice I have made. I brew stuff in my closets--stuff with names that most people don't know how to pronounce. I make nearly everything from scratch. I homeschool, for now. And then there is my herbal knowledge and crafting that needs its own closet.
And then there are more normal things that are just so new to me: I'm a budding entrepreneur. I have a business. And I'm working on another. I'm figuring out this gardening thing (I planted 6 berry plants, 4 2 tomatoes, 4 peppers, 12 strawberry plants, 4 roses, 6 tulips, and a peony this week). I'm learning to build stuff. And I'm trying to own my "graphic designer" stuff that I do.
So there are all these things that I do right now that I love and am so passionate about, but they all seem so new that they don't quite feel like "me" yet and so it still feels a bit strange when I talk about them to people that don't already know me and all the cray-cray I got going on over here. I guess it's just all part of growing up, but I just wonder when will I grow up? Like, how nutty am I going to be in two more years?? How much more of this madness can Eric take? ;-)
Tonight we went around to visit our neighbors. We've been here in our pretty standard American suburb (houses 10 feet apart, small but not teeny fenced back yards) neighborhood for almost 8 months and I still don't really know my neighbors. We had a little bit of meeting when we needed to borrow tools to take out a hedge last fall. And I had great intentions of going caroling to everyone at Christmas (we got the flu instead). And there is the casual waving when shoveling walks in the winter and checking the mail here and there, but it wasn't enough to really get to know them.
And that's the funny thing about living in such close quarters. I can't decide if it's the introvert in me or the country girl, but living so close and being able to see so much of everybody's business without even trying to, I feel like I should make an effort to not look. And it's more than just ignoring the shouting spouses kitty-corner when I'm taking out the trash. I feel the need to put up blinders, especially in the backyard.
Anyhow, we were going to take stuff around on Valentine's day, and SOMETHING got in the way of that too. Third time was the charm with Easter. So I made two batches of sourdough white bread (6 loaves), let the girls decorate some white paper bags and we took them around tonight. Two houses we just briefly introduced ourselves at the door to an adult, the third house was a cute 5 year old kid who told us right away we couldn't come in because the house was "trashed" and her parents where in the bathroom. But our last two stops were delightful. In particular, the last house that wasn't initially on the list but Jane insisted we stop turned out to be really neat.
I can't remember the last time I had such an easy conversation with someone. We equally shared, laughed, connected, and just had a ball! Eric and I made real friends tonight!
Which brings me back to feeling new. These days when I talk to people, and since we are still new here it's a lot of people that I don't know or they don't know me well, etc, I am very aware of how I might be perceived. This isn't new, but in the last few years, SO many of the things I do and am passionate about ARE new. And very different. For example, I have no chairs or couches in my house. That's a specific health choice I have made. I brew stuff in my closets--stuff with names that most people don't know how to pronounce. I make nearly everything from scratch. I homeschool, for now. And then there is my herbal knowledge and crafting that needs its own closet.
And then there are more normal things that are just so new to me: I'm a budding entrepreneur. I have a business. And I'm working on another. I'm figuring out this gardening thing (I planted 6 berry plants, 4 2 tomatoes, 4 peppers, 12 strawberry plants, 4 roses, 6 tulips, and a peony this week). I'm learning to build stuff. And I'm trying to own my "graphic designer" stuff that I do.
So there are all these things that I do right now that I love and am so passionate about, but they all seem so new that they don't quite feel like "me" yet and so it still feels a bit strange when I talk about them to people that don't already know me and all the cray-cray I got going on over here. I guess it's just all part of growing up, but I just wonder when will I grow up? Like, how nutty am I going to be in two more years?? How much more of this madness can Eric take? ;-)
My Inner Songwriter
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I took a songwriting class once (like my last year of college). It made me wish I hadn't been such a silly-pants and shied away from music for so much of my life (because if it's hard, that must mean I'm not good at it, so therefore I shouldn't study it!??! That's what I seriously thought).
I've been asked to lead our congregations choir, which includes choosing music. So, of course, I have been having fun arranging music (because it's basically free, and way fun). I found this website called Noteflight that has a TON of free functionality that I've been able to do a few numbers with. Here is my latest for our Easter performance:
I've been asked to lead our congregations choir, which includes choosing music. So, of course, I have been having fun arranging music (because it's basically free, and way fun). I found this website called Noteflight that has a TON of free functionality that I've been able to do a few numbers with. Here is my latest for our Easter performance:
On Discipline
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It seems like for much of my childhood and post-childhood life I've been told by others, and eventually by myself, that discipline was just making yourself do something you didn't want to- clean your room, do the dishes, be nice, weed the garden, etc. Just suck it up and get 'er done. My mom was pretty life-changingly injured when I was 12 and she had 7 kids and a husband who travelled for work 5 days out of the week for a good portion of that time. And she had no choice, really. I watched her do so many things through so much pain, pain that would stop many other people. And I internalized that as "discipline," this thing you do through gritted-teeth and sheer will-power.
The last few years, really since having kids, I've had some experience with "making" myself do things I wouldn't otherwise, by my single-self, do. I remember clearly during my oldest child's first year of life, laying in bed and hearing her cry out for me and being so tired and knowing that there was no one or no thing in the whole world that could make me get out of bed, except that little girl. On one occasion, I remember turning over to my husband before attending one of her needs and saying, "I wouldn't even do this for you!"
So why did/do I do it? Did the process of growing and birthing a child somehow transform my character into someone that could suck it up when I have to? Or do I want to?
Lately, my five year old has been so consumed by her anti-desires: "But mom, I don't want to," is the logical and final end to her argument on not doing what I have asked. Almost as if not wanting to is the same as not being able to. I have started to tell her that I do things all the time that I "don't want to." And this has caused her to ask a lot of "like what" questions. Today, while finishing a cake, she said "Mom, what are you doing RIGHT NOW that you don't want to do?" with a kind of morbid curiosity.
And I really don't want to give her the example of a mother-martyr, but I also want her to learn the lesson that "wanting" to isn't the sole or primary motivating factor in what we choose to do.
But then, maybe it is. Because, in the end, don't we all do what we ultimately want to do anyway? Except, maybe there are times when the motivation isn't there because we are physically disabled...? It seems, though, it HAS to be more complex than just one or the other. Like there are all these competing wants that have different weights that tip the scales to one or the other...
I don't know, I thought when I began that I was on to something profound. But it's late. That's all I've got. Forgive me, I'm really trying to get back into this blogging thing.
The last few years, really since having kids, I've had some experience with "making" myself do things I wouldn't otherwise, by my single-self, do. I remember clearly during my oldest child's first year of life, laying in bed and hearing her cry out for me and being so tired and knowing that there was no one or no thing in the whole world that could make me get out of bed, except that little girl. On one occasion, I remember turning over to my husband before attending one of her needs and saying, "I wouldn't even do this for you!"
So why did/do I do it? Did the process of growing and birthing a child somehow transform my character into someone that could suck it up when I have to? Or do I want to?
Lately, my five year old has been so consumed by her anti-desires: "But mom, I don't want to," is the logical and final end to her argument on not doing what I have asked. Almost as if not wanting to is the same as not being able to. I have started to tell her that I do things all the time that I "don't want to." And this has caused her to ask a lot of "like what" questions. Today, while finishing a cake, she said "Mom, what are you doing RIGHT NOW that you don't want to do?" with a kind of morbid curiosity.
And I really don't want to give her the example of a mother-martyr, but I also want her to learn the lesson that "wanting" to isn't the sole or primary motivating factor in what we choose to do.
But then, maybe it is. Because, in the end, don't we all do what we ultimately want to do anyway? Except, maybe there are times when the motivation isn't there because we are physically disabled...? It seems, though, it HAS to be more complex than just one or the other. Like there are all these competing wants that have different weights that tip the scales to one or the other...
I don't know, I thought when I began that I was on to something profound. But it's late. That's all I've got. Forgive me, I'm really trying to get back into this blogging thing.
New Year's Letter 2014
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Again, we didn't get to send this to very many people, but we did manage a few dozen! When you have families as big as ours, that doesn't go very far! So here it is for the rest of you awesome-sauce peeps!
We kept our word. 2013 our word was “faith,” and we spent the year busily “sowing” in faith, planting seeds wherever we could without worrying about the harvest. Here we are a year later, surprised and pleased at the growth! And since I hardly blogged in 2013, here is our year, month by month:
JANUARY : Eric and Marcee each started teaching a class at the local junior college. Emiline sings more than talks with Aunt Holli’s influence. A two-year-old singing Wonderwall? Adorable!
FEBRUARY: Marcee started an online B-school course in preparation to start a business. Adam starts sleeping through the night. Sort of. Sometimes. Occasionally.
MARCH: Jane starts disappearing during the day and staying up late to read books. Marcee was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety and started an effective medication.
APRIL : Adam starts crawling. The girls are struck by Mermaid Fever, and can’t get enough time pretending to swim across the carpet. Marcee was introduced to a new love—herbalism—via a hands-on class making tinctures and salves.
MAY: Eric is accepted to a Tax LLM/Masters in Accounting grad program! Emiline turns three (going on 13) and lives up to her nickname, “Genius Monster.”
JUNE : Eric moves to Denver for the summer for school and networking. Marcee and the girls experiment with home schooling, since Jane insists she’s NOT going to kindergarten. Ever.
JULY : Adam starts walking! And we all really, really, miss Eric. Jane discovers Magic Treehouse.
AUGUST : Eric finishes his first class with a bang and comes home! Girls start spending hours coloring and drawing. Jane turns 5. Adam turns 1 and loves Grandma and anything to do with animals. We enjoy lots of family gatherings and end of summer fun all together!
SEPTEMBER : Moved to Kansas City!! (What-the-What??!?!) Marcee and her sister launch a graphic design business, Jabberdashery. (check us out at www.jabberdashery.com) Jane chooses a career and begins drawing “fashions” on everything.
OCTOBER: Our heads are spinning, our hearts are aching, our hands are busy, busy, busy! Eric grapples with being gluten sensitive/intolerant and Marcee learns all kinds of new skills in the kitchen: fermenting, sprouting, culturing, and making almost everything from scratch. The benefits are nothing less than miraculous, healing Eric’s gut and Marcee’s thoughts.
NOVEMBER: Eric is busier than ever, continuing with job searching and his Tax program online, substitute teaching during the day, and delivering pizzas at night. Jabberdashery starts making money. We celebrate our first holiday of our married life with no other family around.
DECEMBER : We have a sweet Christmas season in Kansas with new and old traditions. Eric and Marcee celebrate 7 fantastic and magical years of marriage.
It is with full hearts and sharp eyes that we approach 2014 with eagerness and enthusiasm. The lessons and love of 2013 have been more than we could have ever guessed. We feel our blessings deeply and fully. Our theme for 2014 is “See and Seek the Eternal.” Life is all about perspective. And the hard-won lessons of the last few years of employment and financial challenges have taught us that we have all the riches of eternity right in front of us. We resolve to never forget it, to let it continue to change our hearts, goals, dreams, and lives, every moment, the ones now and forever after.
If 3 Year Olds Wrote Holiday Letters...
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This is what mine wrote when I turned to her for help in writing our annual letter:
Our year has been great. We love you so much. It’s a great service for everyone else I know but it’s so difficult of all. Walrus. I love you. So much about flowers. From Jane and Emiline and Mom. Monkeys. It’s so pretty. I love to play stinky feet.
Bring on the Rain, 2014
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I say that with hope and fear and a rather large butterfly in my stomach that it might come to pass.
Let me explain.
2013 was a doozy (and 2012. and 2011....). It was a torrent of hard things raining down. It had felt so hard, so dark, that when the end of the year came, and the time for introspection and analysis came, I was scared to look. I was fearful and anxious to write the annual family letter, or even to just begin the process. I mentally put it off. But again, my commitment to introspection carried me through and I signed up for this webinar by Lisa Bryne. It was just the bit of motivation and guidance I needed. One of the things she talks about is changing your focus to see the good things in your life, and that if we don't, then we are leaving those good things behind instead of taking them forward with us.
Early this year I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. I was really lucky in that the meds worked well and fast. And even more that I was able to transition off of them into very specific diet and herbal supplement program recently (thank you Spontaneous Happiness and my cultured food pets). But it was this big dark cloud over my life, over everything else I wanted to do and be. I was "cray-cray," and surely that was controlling so much of my life and choices, right?
Well, depression is a Liar. While you are sucked down into the middle of it and while you are pulling out of it's abyss, it's a big, fat, ridiculous Liar. For me, the surest litmus test of actually being in Depression's Jaws, is that I think I'm not. It's breathing its fat, stinky lies on me and I think I'm sitting on the porch in a refreshing, evening breeze, internalizing all those lies. And it was still telling me lies, telling me that my year was a bust.
I am blogging this today to publicly proclaim that this year is probably the year of my most personal growth to date. A quote from Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog says it best, or at least profoundly to me late last night during our New Year's Eve celebrations:
"everyday of rain brings water flowing to things growing in the ground.
And every drop of rain will keep you growing seeds you're sowing in the ground."
It has rained relentlessly the last few years, a near constant drizzle. But now, I can see that rain for it's function- growth. I am exploding with growth, like one of my beans in the sprouting jar on the counter. And even though I feel ready for spring, to be planted, to grow up strong and bear fruit, I am going to trust in the season instead. Because I've been saying I'm ready for spring for years now, and I'm sooooo grateful for the rain I've had instead. As hard as it has been, as dark and miserable some moments have been, I wouldn't trade it. It was more than worth it. Thank you for your gifts, 2013.
So Bring On the Rain, 2014!
Also, "Keep you're head up, Billy Buddy" ;-)
And if you haven't watched Dr. Horrible, treat yourself today. It's on Netflix, too.
And Happy New Year!
Let me explain.
2013 was a doozy (and 2012. and 2011....). It was a torrent of hard things raining down. It had felt so hard, so dark, that when the end of the year came, and the time for introspection and analysis came, I was scared to look. I was fearful and anxious to write the annual family letter, or even to just begin the process. I mentally put it off. But again, my commitment to introspection carried me through and I signed up for this webinar by Lisa Bryne. It was just the bit of motivation and guidance I needed. One of the things she talks about is changing your focus to see the good things in your life, and that if we don't, then we are leaving those good things behind instead of taking them forward with us.
Early this year I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. I was really lucky in that the meds worked well and fast. And even more that I was able to transition off of them into very specific diet and herbal supplement program recently (thank you Spontaneous Happiness and my cultured food pets). But it was this big dark cloud over my life, over everything else I wanted to do and be. I was "cray-cray," and surely that was controlling so much of my life and choices, right?
Well, depression is a Liar. While you are sucked down into the middle of it and while you are pulling out of it's abyss, it's a big, fat, ridiculous Liar. For me, the surest litmus test of actually being in Depression's Jaws, is that I think I'm not. It's breathing its fat, stinky lies on me and I think I'm sitting on the porch in a refreshing, evening breeze, internalizing all those lies. And it was still telling me lies, telling me that my year was a bust.
I am blogging this today to publicly proclaim that this year is probably the year of my most personal growth to date. A quote from Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog says it best, or at least profoundly to me late last night during our New Year's Eve celebrations:
"everyday of rain brings water flowing to things growing in the ground.
And every drop of rain will keep you growing seeds you're sowing in the ground."
It has rained relentlessly the last few years, a near constant drizzle. But now, I can see that rain for it's function- growth. I am exploding with growth, like one of my beans in the sprouting jar on the counter. And even though I feel ready for spring, to be planted, to grow up strong and bear fruit, I am going to trust in the season instead. Because I've been saying I'm ready for spring for years now, and I'm sooooo grateful for the rain I've had instead. As hard as it has been, as dark and miserable some moments have been, I wouldn't trade it. It was more than worth it. Thank you for your gifts, 2013.
So Bring On the Rain, 2014!
Also, "Keep you're head up, Billy Buddy" ;-)
And if you haven't watched Dr. Horrible, treat yourself today. It's on Netflix, too.
And Happy New Year!
Announcing....
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Yeesh! I can practically hear blogger dashboard creaking and the smell of virtual dust is making me virtually sneeze. Five months later, and my big announcement is finally here and off the ground:
I've started a business!! Yes, me and my sis are partners in a grand new (ad)venture called Jabberdashery. It's where I post for sale the things I make digitally all the time anyway. Interestingly, the hardest thing has been to be OK with calling myself a graphic designer without feeling like a pretender. But I am and I love it and I'm pretty darn good and getting better all the time.
This blog will remain our family and my personal blog. But I'll also be blogging over at Jabberdashery.com about every week, too. And it won't be a lot of marketing hype. See, the artwork I'm doing is very personal and very inspirational. To be honest, I kind of hate that word "inspirational." It's something a cliche, isn't it? And "motivating" isn't much better. But the idea is for me to share some kind of story or message that helps move people up and through their day. What's a better word for that? One that means "onward and upward!!!" with the force of several exclamation points??
I have to make this blog short and to get back to my regularly scheduled Jabberdashery work time. I plan to chronicle how all this came about, the seed that was planted, the things that nourished it. But I need to go finish writing up the schedule and do a few things for a new design/product we are hopefully going to launch next month. here you can read that tells part of the story. If you've missed me, you should subscribe to it because I'll be there regularly every Wednesday from here on out! And as we get settled (did I mention we moved to Kansas??) and get into more of a routine (did I mention we are trying out homeschooling??) I hope to be back here more often. Cuz I've got some new lines to share!! Life has been....life. Hard, crazy, amazing, and awesome.
In the meantime, there is a pretty good blog post
I've started a business!! Yes, me and my sis are partners in a grand new (ad)venture called Jabberdashery. It's where I post for sale the things I make digitally all the time anyway. Interestingly, the hardest thing has been to be OK with calling myself a graphic designer without feeling like a pretender. But I am and I love it and I'm pretty darn good and getting better all the time.
This blog will remain our family and my personal blog. But I'll also be blogging over at Jabberdashery.com about every week, too. And it won't be a lot of marketing hype. See, the artwork I'm doing is very personal and very inspirational. To be honest, I kind of hate that word "inspirational." It's something a cliche, isn't it? And "motivating" isn't much better. But the idea is for me to share some kind of story or message that helps move people up and through their day. What's a better word for that? One that means "onward and upward!!!" with the force of several exclamation points??
I have to make this blog short and to get back to my regularly scheduled Jabberdashery work time. I plan to chronicle how all this came about, the seed that was planted, the things that nourished it. But I need to go finish writing up the schedule and do a few things for a new design/product we are hopefully going to launch next month. here you can read that tells part of the story. If you've missed me, you should subscribe to it because I'll be there regularly every Wednesday from here on out! And as we get settled (did I mention we moved to Kansas??) and get into more of a routine (did I mention we are trying out homeschooling??) I hope to be back here more often. Cuz I've got some new lines to share!! Life has been....life. Hard, crazy, amazing, and awesome.
In the meantime, there is a pretty good blog post
Guess Who's Nine Months Old??
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He's got a good sense of humor and loves to play games with us. He still hates getting dressed, undressed, and diaper changes. He gets so indignant! It's both funny and exasperating. He loves to be held way too much, but then, there are too many adults around to indulge him. He's had a bit of separation anxiety lately, but only here and there the last few weeks.
He's a great night sleeper, and sometimes a good napper, sometimes a little turd. He's taking two naps these days. His morning nap is about 2-3 hours after he gets up, and his afternoon nap another 3-4 after that. Usually one of his naps is a good solid few hours. He never goes down happily and always cries for at least a minute or two before going to sleep. He still loves to nurse, but is super distractable if he hears any noise. We had a brief day or two of biting, but that's settled down (thankfully). He's got a really sensitive heart and is pretty perceptive. He cries when his sisters are sad, when Grandpa is gruff, or when I lose my patience (which NEVER happens!!!)
He is the apple of my eye! My Adam Apple! (nerrr.) I can't imagine not having him in our family right now. Man, God is smart!!
Happy Mother's Day
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